Today is the Day - 38 weeks & 6 days

   We finally made it to the end of this pregnancy and the beginning of the birth.  Today is the big day.  It has been a very long week.  Due to the diagnosis of decreased fetal movement, we have been to triage every day for additional testing and some much needed peace of mind.  

   The schedule for today is one last appointment with the doctor for a final check on the baby and to see how I'm progressing so she can decide what medications to give, what dosage and when to induce labor.  Then we check into the hospital at 7pm.  Their estimate is that the baby will be born sometime between the afternoon of the 29th and at the latest the morning of the 30th.  We are still hoping for a vaginal delivery which means it will take longer and move a bit slower.  At this point we don't really care.  Our birth plan is for a healthy baby, whatever else happens, happens.  So in between now and then I am having my last prenatal massage, then having dinner before we check into the hospital.  The rest of the day will be spent trying to remain calm and keeping busy.

   I am filled with all kinds of emotions today.  I am excited to have actually made it this far and the thought of finally holding my baby in my arms is overwhelming.  It has been such a long journey.  It's surreal that this moment has actually come to be.

   I am extremely nervous for the birth, there is just so much that could go wrong and when there is a chance of something going wrong with us, it usually does.  We recently found out that the umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck.  Our doctor told us that it happens to 1 out of 4 babies and usually they can slip it off during labor, yet its just another thing to cause us worry.  We are still dealing with the diagnosis of decreased fetal movement and they show concern over that too.  I am happy that the pregnancy is almost over and these pregnancy worries will go away soon.  I'm looking forward to being able to just look at the baby and see that he is ok instead of having to wait for an appointment and the doctor freaking us out before we know all is ok.  

   And finally sadness, it really hits home today the loss of Baby B.  Every time we went to our appointments this last week it comes up as part of the questions the nurses as me.  

  Looking forward to writing my next post and announcing the birth of our son!

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

38 Weeks w/ 1 Week To Go

It's the final countdown!!!  We are officially a week away.  Our induction is next Wednesday with a birth more than likely on Thursday.  We start every morning now with a trip to triage and today was no exception.  Luckily he was moving a bunch so the test looked great with no issues. Since he was not moving too much on Monday or Tuesday, it's a huge relief when we can get him going and moving.   My fluid levels are good.  Cervix is still closed and no contractions long enough to count, just little ones every 10 - 15 minutes it seems.  So as of right now it looks like he will hold on for the full week, which sounds like it's soon, but this week is going to crawl by.  It's just so difficult to keep fearing the worst.  At least when he is born, I can just look over to see he is breathing instead of having to trek to the hospital every day.  It's never a good thing when they know you by name at the hospital.

I don't have any new pictures for today because he was nestled with his head on my placenta as a pillow so you couldn't see too much that really looked like a face.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

37 Weeks

Yesterday we had another scare, everything is OK now, but I am really getting tired of all these bumps in the road.  

Our little guy has had a pretty regular routine for the last several months.  He wakes up between 3am and 4am.  It may sound like it's early and not fun, but I actually love it.  Its like its our special time together. Anyways, this particular morning, he wasn't active at all. I got up and ate something and still nothing. By the time we got to our morning appointment I was in panic mode. Things just got worse when our doctor couldn't wake him up either. He still had a strong heartbeat, he just wouldn't wake up. Anyways after about 10 minutes our doctor did get him up and moving but it was a long 10 minutes. During that 10 minutes he was talking about sending us to the hospital and having our baby that day. In the end, because they were able to get him moving, then sent us for monitoring instead. All the test came back ok and we were sent on our way.

photos from our last scan

Today it wasn't as dramatic,  but we still had a tough time of waking him up.  So I'm on edge and nervous every moment I don't feel him. We are 8 days away from our induction date which is inducing at 39 weeks.  Because of these set backs and for our peace of mind, we are now scheduled to go to triage every morning to be monitored from now until when the baby comes.

Like I told my therapist today, I am so ready for the baby to come and start worrying about parenting issues rather than having all these pregnancy worries, I am just so over all of it. We have definitely had our fair share so enough already!  So fingers and toes are crossed that this little guy stays active or my water breaks and we can welcome him into the world sooner.

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

36 weeks

36 weeks and exactly 21 more days to go.  The feeling of HOLY CRAP, WE AREN'T READY has definitely set in.  Lots and lots of things to do to get ready, but everyone tells me that you are never really totally ready for what's about to happen.

We are on our new doctor schedule.  We go twice a week for a non-stress test, once a week for an OB check and we will have one more anatomy scan before he makes his grand appearance.   

We have completed the most important classes and have two more to go.  We have the car seats and the cribs set up.  Hospital bag is packed.

I have been experiencing contractions for a few weeks now.  They are very short, the longest one has been 15 seconds.  However, the mucus plug is still intact and my cervix is closed so we aren't quite ready yet.  This guy needs to cook a bit longer.

After this very long journey, I'm just so excited to finally meet this little man.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Week 33

Our week 33 check up came a few days early because of scheduling.  Today was very exciting.  Today we came up with our delivery schedule.  From the beginning we had talked about being induced because our doctor was uncomfortable letting us go full term.  Today we decided on being induced on December 28th which would more than likely mean a delivery on December 29th.  December 29th is exactly 39 weeks.  He said at 39 weeks, the chances of the baby needing the NICU is about 1% and that's probably the lowest it ever gets.

I am very excited that we have a due date finally and we can start planning around that.  I really like that I won't constantly we sitting around worried when my water will break and when will I go into labor?  I have plenty already on my plate to worry about.

We are keeping busy whether we like it or not, with a ton of classes.  So far we have taken How to Avoid Preterm Labor, Cloth Diapering, and Breastfeeding 101.  We are about half way done with our Labor & Delivery Class (my least favorite).  Still to go we have Cord Blood Banking, Newborn 101, Infant CPR, Baby Wearing and Baby Sleep Strategies.  We also have lots and lots of doctors appointments.  We have non-stress tests, anatomy scans and OB checks.  I like all the doctors appointments though.  Everytime we go it just reassures us that everything is ok.

Looking forward to meeting our little guy soon!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Week 30

  The most exciting thing about week 30 was going into our regular anatomy scan and about halfway through, she switched it to 3D and we saw our handsome baby boy.  It was amazing to actually see his face. That was definitely a highlight for both of us, especially since it was a surprise.  It's amazing to finally his his little face and start to imagine what he will actually look like.    The rest of the anatomy scan went ok. Baby is now 3 lbs 14 ounces. He is super long now and basically takes up my whole belly.  That day, he was stretched out horizontally across my belly with his legs tucked under my ribs. He isn't too uncomfortable yet, but I've been told that will change. 

  The newest issue that came up is when they measured the amount of amniotic fluid, it's on the higher side. There is nothing to do about that now except notice it and keep an eye on it.  The other issue I am dealing with is I have been experience moments of becoming severely lightheaded and dizzy with a racing heart. When I talked to the doctor about it, she said it's probably just being pregnant, but with our situation , she didn't want to take any chances. She sent me over to Sharp Hospital for an EKG.  The test went fine and there were no issues. She also ordered a blood pressure cuff and wanted me to test every time I'm having an episode.   So far I have tested 4 times. Each times my numbers are about 92 over 52 ish with a pulse of about 110.  Again this is another thing that is borderline too low that we will be monitoring.  The good news is the gestational diabetes is under control and there isn't much going on there, so at least we have that.  We will still monitor and test my blood for the time being and keep an eye on that.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

Week 28 - Started With A Scare (everything is OK)

Well we made it to week 28 and that means we made it to the 3rd trimester!  Making it to the 3rd trimester is a huge milestone for us.  There was a time when we honestly didn't see this happening.  We are so happy to put that awful 2nd trimester behind us and move forward.


However, because it is us and we are doomed to never have this pregnancy be uneventful, we had a bit of a scare on Friday.  Only 1 day into the 3rd trimester and we had a freakout.  Everything is ok now, but it was a rough start.

On Fridays I do prenatal yoga which is more like a stretching and meditation class.  At the end, during savasana, our teacher has us recline back and close our eyes and talk to our babies.  It has been a very special time for me since I have been so excited to finally feel out little guy inside me.  He always reacts and I feel him kick and move a ton during this time and its one of my favorite parts of the class.  Anyways on Friday he didn't make one single movement.  I came straight home after class and ate something and laid down as that is supposed to wake them up and get them to move.  Still nothing.  I then googled 'how to get your baby to kick' and tried everything, after 30 minutes of nothing, we called our doctor.  In a very calm voice he told us to hang up and go immediately to Triage.  So Ryan ran upstairs, changed, let Parker out to pee and we were in the car in about 7 minutes and off to the hospital we went.  We arrived about 10 minutes later, checked in and was in a bed and hooked up to monitors within about 3 minutes.  And luckily about 1 minute after all that commotion, he decided to wake up and start kicking and kicking and kicking.  When you are hooked up to the monitors it puts his kicks on like a microphone.  It was the most amazing and beautiful sound and feeling ever.  Afte about an hour we were discharged and we quickly came home and I took a nap.  That was a lot of action for one day.  At least we learned that in an emergency, we handled it pretty well and that our hospital is amazing.

Aside from that scare, things are going well.  Up until this point we had decided to not buy anything or do anything baby related because we just weren't ready yet.  Now that we have turned a corner, things are progressing and we are moving forward nicely, we decided to move ahead and start planning for this baby.  We are in the middle of planning a shower, we ordered things to start putting the nursery together and most excitingly, we made our first baby purchase...

would you really expect anything less??!!!

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Gender Reveal

IT'S A BOY!!!   

After we made it to the viability stage we were much more comfortable with the idea of actually finishing this pregnancy and taking a baby home from the hospital.  As soon as we started to feel kicks, it was if something got switched in my brain and I really started to connect with the pregnancy and with the baby.  It was at this point that we felt comfortable enough in our situation to share the good news and let everyone know the gender. 

I ordered a dog collar online that revealed the gender and put it on our dog Parker.  We brought her over to my parents house and let her inside and didn't say anything.  It took my Mom about 5 seconds to notice and then my Dad turned around and saw it too.  I burst into tears and we all hugged.  It was really special and wonderful to finally be able to celebrate this pregnancy.  For the family members not in San Diego we sent a video of Parker wearing the collar and just said that Parker had something to tell them.  It was kind of fun to do something special.  We are super excited and knowing the gender makes it that much more real.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

Week 25 - GD

After finally being able to feel our little guy and feeling like we are in a good place, it was time for more testing.  Every pregnant woman takes a glucose test at this point in their pregnancy.  It is to test for gestational diabetes and sadly, I failed the test.  There are 3 tests, The first one is a fasting test and you are supposed to score 92 or under and I tested at 94 and unfortunately no matter how much you fail by, a fail is a fail. The other two I passed just fine but that doesn't matter. So my doctor ordered a diabetes testing kit for me and told me to monitor myself for 2 weeks and go to the diabetic center at the hospital.  The diet they told me to follow I already eat that way so there is no real diet change of what I eat.  The only thing I can change is when I eat and how much.  She actually wants me to eat more often and eat more food and calories when I do eat.  So I did that for about 10 days and my fasting number still bordered around that 94 number and didn't lower.  So my doctor put me on a pill that I take a night and that did the trick and now my fasting number is between 70 and 89 so well below 92.  I still have to test my blood 4 times a day and by me, I mean Ryan has to do it for me because I can't see or deal with blood.  Our doctor isn't concerned and thinks there are no additional issues.  We are already being monitored very closely so no additional appointments are needed at this point.

Week 24 - Kicks & Viability

   Finally at week 24 we felt the baby kick!!!!!  This is amazing and exciting and just down right awesome news.  Most folks feel the baby starting around week 15 so we are 2 months late to the party.  Both of my placentas attached in the front so we weren't quite sure we would get to the feel the baby.  Actually Ryan always felt we would but I was never sure.  Anyways on Friday I woke up to about 5 clear as day kicks, I guess the baby got up before me :)  I couldn't wait to text Ryan and tell him the good news.  When Ryan came home, he put his ear to my stomach and about 30 seconds later, the baby kicked and it physically made Ryan's head jump a bit.  It was amazing.  I am so glad we both got to feel this on the same day.   Since then, like clockwork, our baby kicks every morning and every night when I lay down.

   Week 24 is the viability week.  It means that if for some reason, I gave birth today, our baby would have a good chance of surviving.  It would still be in the NICU and wouldn't be good, we are really only talking about basic survivability, but it's still great news to make it here.  3 months ago, I couldn't even imagine getting this far.  Hitting this milestone the same week we finally felt kicks has been a huge accomplishment for us.


   Mentally and emotionally we still have lots of issues we are working through and will still continue with weekly therapy appointments.  Since I can now feel the baby on a daily basis we are going to try and go longer than ever week to our OB check appointments, but nothing crazy, instead of every week we are going to go every 1 1/2 weeks and see if we are comfortable in doing so.  Our doctor is leaving the decision up to us and if 10 days seems too long, we will move back to weekly appointments.  For now though, it's really starting to feel real for the very first time and hopefully that turns into some comfort on our end.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Week 22 - Cardiology Appt

what a strong heart we have!

  Today was our much anticipated cardiology appointment. I am extremely happy to report that Baby A has a perfectly formed heart with no defects. This was a huge relief and the best news we could have received.  Our little fighter keeps on fighting and proving what a strong heart they have.
  Our echo was upstairs and it's always hard for me to go up there.  It's where we found out about Baby B and where we went back two days later and reduced the pregnancy.  We have discussed this with our therapist and she has likened it to PTSD.  Anyways about 10 minutes into the procedure I got light headed and briefly felt like I was going to faint.  Luckily she let me turn on my side, raised the bed and Ryan took my shoes off.  I calmed down and was able to continue and complete the procedure.
  After it was over, we went and met with our doctor to go over the results and game plan the next few months.  Prior to our results, we were placed in a category all its own, I don't think there is a name for above high risk, but now with our good news, we are back to a regular category of just regular high risk.  This means that the rest of our appointments are the same as any other high risk pregnancy, we don't have to do any more crazy testing.  At this point, if we were in a normal risk pregnancy, we would have monthly appointments, but I am not at all ready for that, especially since due to my placenta placement, I'm cant feel the baby's kick yet.  Luckily our doctor is amazing and understanding and is letting me continue with weekly ultrasounds and heartbeat checks.  I said once I can feel the baby maybe I'll feel more comfortable going every two weeks, but we will see.  He also wants us to have monthly anatomy scans upstairs so we will continue with that as well.  Then starting at 32 weeks we go twice a week to the hospital for monitoring.
  The hardest part is still the emotional side of all of this now and what we focus on in therapy.  I am having a really difficult time still accepting and welcoming this pregnancy.  Our therapist says I put up walls as protection for myself.  Losing a child was just beyond painful, it's like I'm trying to not get too attached in case anything goes wrong.  Our doctor started talking about child birth and the future and I got very uncomfortable.  I told him my issues and how I was feeling.  Again he is so kind and said he understood,  Then he started talking statistics and viability.  He said if I went into labor today that we would have a low chance of survival, but if I went into labor in two weeks we would have 30% and in four weeks 70% and 5 weeks 90%.  He went over everything and said at this point we really need to anticipate bringing a baby home.  When he started talking about birthing classes again I got uncomfortable.  he gave me the name of a nurse that does private lessons in your home.  The idea of that sounds much better.  It's hard for me to be around 'regular' pregnant people, every time they introduce themselves, its super difficult.  Its still hard for me to hear about unplanned pregnancies or people bitching about morning sickness and classifying their pregnancy as horrible because of that.  We shall see how we both feel about things as we start to settle in with this new information.  One day at a time is all we can do.  But for now, we can celebrate this huge milestone and be happy, even if the anxiety quickly crept back in, it was still an amazing day with great news!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Week 20 - Anatomy Scan

   On Friday we had our 20 week anatomy scan.  We were both really nervous for it but I am happy to report that everything is OK and our Baby A is still our little fighter.  

   We were there for over an hour.  The ultrasound tech measures everything and then takes pictures of everything.  I told her we were still bad at reading ultrasounds so luckily she labeled everything for us.  It's amazing how tiny the baby is, yet how much detail they are able to see and show us.  We have 10 fingers and 10 toes and a cute little baby nose.  We have a really strong heart and the baby still moves a bunch.  We also saw two kidneys, a great looking spin, shin bones (which are measuring long so she thinks the baby will be tall which is awesome), arm bones and pretty much everything else.  She also was able to look at the brain and said everything looked good there too.  It was all very reassuring and great news to hear.  We have more pictures than we have ever recieved before.  As you can see on the right, we have a cute little baby face profile pic.  Most of the pictures up until now are more alien-like than human.  Some have looked like the Terminator even.  Its awesome to have moved past that and be able to see a little baby now in the photos.

   

   The only difficult part was that after all the good news, I actually started looking at the monitor which I never do.  She was pointing out all kinds of stuff and I momentarily got caught up in the excitement.  Then when she was done with Baby A, she moved over to Baby B.  As soon as she did, I was speechless.  That was the first time I saw our baby since we were here last time and received the horrible news.  Its amazing how much you can miss someone that you never met, but I really do, it's  really hard.  In the beginning it was tough for me knowing that our Baby was still inside me but now I appreciate the fact that I still have some time with it before I say goodbye.  I started taking prenatal yoga and each time they say put your hand over your baby and I always put both hands on my belly and talk to both babies.  I guess in a sense, I'm lucky that I can do that.

   The next big hurdle is our cardiology appointment next week to further check on Baby A. So more fingers crossed please for that one.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

Support & Thank You

Ryan and I are so grateful for all the support we have been given over the last few months.  When this first happened we felt so alone and isolated in our struggles, but mainly by choice, it was just too hard to face the world with all of our sadness.

I just wanted to express our gratitude for all of you out there that have done so much for us in your own ways.  At one point we had so many flowers and bouquets there was no more surface space to put them on.  We have recieved cards and food and texts but mainly we have recieved all the love and support that you have sent our way.   It really means alot to us and we can't thank you enough.


Much Love,
Heather & Ryan

Week 16 - Anatomy Scan

At week 16 we went for an early anatomy scan to check on Baby A's heart.  Since the loss of Baby B, our doctor has been overly cautious about everything which we are huge fans of..  At week 16 we couldn't see a lot but we could definitely see the heart, or at least Ryan could, I still can't bring myself to look at the screen for fear of seeing Baby B.  The ultrasound tech could see the perfectly formed heart with all 4 chambers working as they should. Our doctor warned us that we probably wouldn't be able to see much more than the heart so it was to be expected. Ryan said he could see the chambers of the heart too which must have been pretty neat.

We are still going for our regular weekly ultrasound checks as well. Then we go back at week 20 for a full anatomy scan to check on all the organs.  So we pass one hurdle and still have a lot more in front of us.  We are also still going to weekly therapy appointments to work on our grief and loss and that is helping a lot.  The online support groups haven't worked out too well because we haven't found anyone in a situation like ours where they lost one baby and had to continue to be present in their current pregnancy and that dynamic is very different.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Therapy & Support

Ryan and I decided to seek professional help to assist us in moving forward from this tragedy.  My biggest concern is how do I continue with the pregnancy in a positive way?  Since having to make this awful decision and living through that awful procedure, I haven't been able to continue the way I was before and that scares me for the baby I still have left.  So with that, we found a therapist that has expertise in pregnancy loss.

She was extremely helpful and very understanding of our situation.  A few of the bigger takeaways that she said was :

• Not every pregnant woman is glowing and happy all the time.  There are lots of emotions that go along even with a normal pregnancy and just because I am sad all the time, doesn't mean that I am causing harm to this baby.
• As human beings, we have the ability to feel multiple feelings at the same time.  The example she gave was when we get mad at a loved one.  While we love them, we can be mad at and angry at them at the same time.  So she said that with time, she feels that I can still feel angry and sad over the loss of baby B and still feel love and excitement towards baby A.

We will continue to see her on a weekly basis for now.  She also recommended a few support groups (Empty Cradle and A Heartbreaking Choice) for us that I have joined, but haven't attended yet.  Just the names alone are tough to digest.  I am still somewhat numb and in disbelief that this has become our reality.  Empty Cradle is a local support group here in San Diego for those dealing with pregnancy loss.  They have paired me up with someone that also had twin loss, but we haven't connected yet.  A Heartbreaking Choice is a national online forum for those that have had to make the painful decision to terminate a pregnancy due to the health of the fetus or your own health.  I just submitted my registration information for that board.  

One of the harder things I'm coping with is up until now, everything I have gone through, I've know someone else through the infertility world that has also gone through something similar.  Our situation now is so awful and so rare that no one else I know has been through this.  It's not the same thing as a vanishing twin or a miscarriage.  The end of life didn't happen on its own.  Ryan and I had to make the decision to end a life.  Even though we knew it was the right thing to do, the emotional side of that is awful.  Making an appointment like that is awful.  Being awake for that is awful.  Having baby B still with us and will be for the rest of the pregnancy is just beyond difficult to emotionally wrap our heads around.  And after finally building a huge amount of support around us, we find ourselves isolated and alone again is really tough.  I am really hoping that with these two other support groups, we can again find ourselves in a place of understanding.

Thanks for reading and thanks for the support,

Heather & Ryan

Our Little Fighter

Today we went in for our follow up ultrasound to check on Baby A and happily I can report that Baby A is still with us.  We were faced with an 8% chance of losing Baby A so we are very relieved that our little fighter is still with us.

On the other hand, there really aren't too many words to explain the heartbreak we are dealing with for Baby B.  We were literally one day away from being let off bed rest, entering the second trimester and starting to celebrate the pregnancy.  Instead we were hit with the horrifying news that Baby B would be lost to us and would not survive much longer after birth.   Having to decided to end that pregnancy to give Baby A the best chance is the hardest thing we have ever had to do.  I will never forget that appointment or the feeling of having to say goodbye to our sweet baby.

We have reached out to a therapist to get some professional help.  We need help.  We need to figure out how to remain strong for Baby A while still grieving this loss.

Thank you for reading and thank you for your support.

The Loss of Baby B

Today we received the devastating news that our Baby B has a defect that will not sustain life. It has something called omphalocele. In its minor form it has part or all on the intestines on the outside which could be corrected by surgery. In the more severe form, which we have, the heart and liver and intestines are exposed. When the heart is exposed like that, there are no actions they can take. Now our next steps is figuring out what to do to give Baby A the best chance of survival. We were with the doctor from 8am to 11:30 discussing what all this means. The crap thing is they don't know how this happened, it's either a chromosomal abnormality,  a genetic defect which is unlikely because both Ryan and the donor have been heavily screened, or just a really crappy thing that randomly happened during development. We thought today we would be celebrating moving to the second trimester, instead just heartache.  I am so exhausted of getting bad news. The words and things that were discussed with the doctor were just awful. The idea of having twins was just starting to sink in and now we have to say goodbye far to early.

Meeting Our OB

Yesterday was very exciting, we met our OB for the first time.  He will be our doctor for the next 6 months and if all goes as planned, will deliver our babies.  He is part of a practice so it's kind of whoever is on duty at the time.  It was an exciting appoint because for the first time, we had an appointment where we talked about the babies actually coming into the world.  It was it all so real in an amazingly wonderful way.

Our doctor is an MFM which stands for maternal fetal medicine.  It is basically a specialized OB for high risk pregnancies.  This pregnancy is considered a high risk pregnancy because I am of advanced maternal age (I hate this phrase), anyone over 35 falls into that category, because I have multiples, because I am on blood thinners and because of the complications early on in the pregnancy.

About 2 minutes into meeting him, I knew he was the doctor for me.  He had actually delivered my friends twins so I knew he was capable, I just also really liked his personality.  He knew of my IF journey and he reassured me that since we had worked so hard to get where we were that he would do everything to ensure these babies are safe and healthy and so am I.

He made a comment about how I probably know a lot already about being pregnant and I said I really didn't.  The last 5 1/2 years I have spent researching getting pregnant, I have no idea what I am doing from this point on.  He assured me that even though I don't know what I am doing, my does and it is doing everything it can so that the babies are getting what they need.

He did an ultrasound and this part was very exciting.  It was an ultrasound from on top of my stomach, no more vaginal ultrasounds!!!! This alone is a reason to celebrate.  He said everything looked good and the babies looked great.  He didn't see anything to be concerned about.  He also did a pap smear because it had been two years since I had one done.  Thankfully he skipped the breast exam because mine are so painful right now.

We talked at length about a vaginal birth compared to a C-section.  He would prefer a vaginal birth which I would too.  He gave me a 60% chance of having one which is what all people carrying twins gets.  In order to deliver vaginally, the baby further down needs to be face down and needs to be bigger than the top baby.  We will figure this out much later, but he did tell me that baby B is the baby that is further down so that's the one to watch.  The other exciting news it that he calculated my due date.  For twins, they won't let you go past 38 weeks, so if my water doesn't break before that, they will induce on Dec 21st (my birthday) for a delivery on Dec 22nd.  I am so excited about that.  Our nephew was born on Dec 24th so lots of Christmas babies in this family.  I am also excited that I will deliver at Sharp hospital, which is the same hospital I was born at.

He then talked about what the next 6 months will be like.  He started by saying I come in every month for ultrasounds and an OB check.  I freaked out when he said this.  I am so used to weekly appointments that monthly sounded like an eternity.  He then said he would do an appointment very two weeks for me to help ease the anxiety and keep my calm.  This really did help and reassure my choice in doctors.

Here is the quick recap of my notes and the questions I had for him:

• My RE had a weaning protocol for baby aspirin but he wants me to stay on them the entire pregnancy
• for the next two weeks, I can walk and drive, then after that I can do yoga and swim.  After 68 days of bedrest, this was music to my ears.
• He wants me eating 2500 calories a day.  I am nowhere near that because food is super gross right now.  I'm working on it though..
• For nausea, he wants me to try taking B6
• I asked if there was anything I could do for breast tenderness and he said not really.  The good news though is that the height of the pain is around 11 weeks and that is less than a week away so it's almost over.
• I asked what books he recommended and he like What to Expect and the Mayo Clinic Guide

We finished the appointment by talking about all the testing to be done.  We walked next door to the lab and I gave about 10 vials of blood.  This was called first trimester screening.  We will get the results at our next appointment which is June 22nd.

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

10 Week Update - Graduation Day

Our graduation gift

Today was a very exciting day for us. Today was our graduation day.  That means that we have graduated from our RE and we are now patients of our perinatologist-OB.  This is another huge milestone and a giant accomplishment.  I still feel like I am dreaming.  It is so hard to grasp the fact that we are where we are.  We have dreamed and prayed for this for so long and have had so many failures along the way, I seriously doubted we would actually make it here.  It was so amazing to hear the words that we graduated.  Our doctor wished us the best of luck and shook our hands.  The rest of the staff have really come to follow our journey right alongside of us.  As soon as we get our ultrasound done, we exit the room and I excitedly show off our little ones.  Today we were greeted with a graduation gift and a very sweet card that everyone signed.  I hugged everyone.  I will miss our clinic so much.  They really have been right by my side every step of the way.

Baby B

Baby A

Today the babies are about 1 1/2" big and about the size of a kumquat.  Both babies measured right on schedule.  Baby A measured 9 weeks and 6 days and had a heart rate of 176.  Baby B measured 10 weeks and 1 day and also had a heart rate of 176.  Baby A was moving a bit, but Baby B was seriously rocking out.  That baby was moving its arms like crazy and was spinning around too.  It is so amazing to actually see them moving and finally see them as little beings.  They are much more human-like and less on the blob side.  They have arms and legs now and little noses.  Not sure when we'll find out the gender yet so they are still just Baby A and Baby B.  Look how cute they are!  

Today's lunch

As for me, I am hanging in there.  Still on limited activity.  I am in full swing of being pregnant and the side effects are really starting to kick in.  Everything smells to me, all food is pretty gross and everything makes me gag.  At the end of the day, I am so excited that the babies are doing well that I am trying my best not to complain about my symptoms.  

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

Current Medication List

A few people have asked what my current protocol is so I thought I would post it here.  Everything listed is to assist in maintaining the pregnancy. Levothyroxine is to regulate my thyroid.  Lovenox is a blood thinner to prevent miscarriage.  The addition of extra supplements to my prenatal is because I am a vegetarian and those vitamins I tend to run low on.

Medications:
levothyroxine 50mcg - 1 a day
estradiol 2 mg - 3 a day
oral progesterone 100mg - 3 a day
progesterone suppositories 400mg - 2 a day
lovenox - 1 a day

Supplements:
Thorne basic prenatal - 3 a day
algae omega 715mg omega 3 - 3 a day
baby aspirin - 1 a day
vitamin D 5,000 iu - 2 a day
vitamin C 500mg - 1 a day
iron 15mc - 2 a day
l-5-mthf 1,000mg - 1 a day
CoQ10 200mg - 1 a day

The good news is I received the go ahead to start weaning myself off of some the meds that I'm on because the placenta has been formed and my doctor has determined that some are no longer necessary. This is amazing news. I am so excited to say goodbye to progesterone and lovenox :)  Because I have been on these for so long, I can't just quit overnight, it would be too much of a shock to the babies, so I am doing a slow weaning process.  Here is my weaning schedule:

• Switch lovenox to every other day for 1 more week
• Switch oral progesterone to 2 a day this week, then 1 a day next week
• Switch estradiol to  2 a day this week, then 1 a day next week
• Continue progesterone suppositories 400 mg 2 a day for this  week, then 200 mg 2 a day next week,  then 200 at night only the following next week
• Continue baby aspirin for 3 weeks then discontinue

The more hurdles and obstacles we pass and overcome, the more real this pregnancy gets.  I'm still on bedrest for precautionary purposes but it's pretty exciting to make it this far and know that my body is starting to take care of the babies and I no longer need these medications.  We are still on weekly ultrasound appointments so I will have another update on Thursday.

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

9 Week Update

According to my pregnancy app Nurture, the babies are the size of green olives.  The main development between last week and this week is that they started to grow arms and legs.  Finally the babies are starting to look more human and less blobbish.

Baby A is on the left with the head on the left, Baby B is on the right
and was moving too much for a good photo today
so that's why it is all blurry

Today we went in for another ultrasound scan and measurements.  Bath babies measured perfect!  They both measured 9 weeks and 1 day which is right on schedule.  They both also had heart beats over 170 which is also wonderful news.  The most exciting part is that we could really see the babies moving today.  Baby A is now referred to as my little dancer.  We don't know the gender yet, but for some reason I want to refer to her as a girl.  Anyways, you could see her head shaking and her arms moving up and down.  The first time the doctor said she was wiggling, the truth is I couldn't see it.  But then later on he went back and she was moving a ton.  It was so amazing to see.  And now for Baby B, otherwise known as my yogi.  This one was head down with feet up in the air doing a headstand.  The doctor again said this one was moving but I never was able to see it.  They are starting to take on a more human form, but there is still a lot of blob action going on.

As for me, I'm doing OK.  I am on day 6 of no bleeding.  That is a huge sigh of relief.  The cramping is still there though.  Cramping is normal, except that mine only comes on when I stand up and it comes on really strong.  Because of this, he isn't comfortable letting me off bed rest, so he ordered bed rest for two more weeks and then told us to discuss it with our high risk pregnancy doctor and see what she says.  So two more weeks of bed rest for me.  But really, all that matters is that the babies are doing good.

Seeing movement on the screen is amazing.  Then not only can you see the heartbeat, but you can hear it too.  It is truly amazing and we both feel so very blessed to make it here.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

8 Week Update

The week 8 doctor's appointment is not as critical as the previous ones have been.  At this appointment we just checked the heart rates again and took measurements to make sure the babies were still growing.

Baby A

Baby A measured 7 weeks and 6 days.  There is no reason to be concerned, when they are this small, the margin of error on the ultrasound machine is 4 days.  The baby was super active.  You could actually see it moving on the monitor.  The heart rate was 185. I asked if it was normal to go from 150 to 180.  His response was, just like if we go to the gym, our heart rate goes up.  Your baby is moving a lot so it's normal to have a higher heart rate.  He said anything between 120 and 220 is considered in normal range.  He said it was great news to have the baby moving but that it made it tough to get good photos.

Baby B was also a mover and a shaker and having a good time.  Its heart rate was also above 180 although I wasn't able to see it move on the monitor.  I was able to clearly see the head and the yolk sac which was pretty exciting.  This was the first time it looked more identifiable to me and less blob like.  Baby B also measured 7 weeks and 6 days, right on schedule.   You can still see how irregular the gestational sac is.  He again said that he was concerned about it. The good news though is that both gestational sacs are starting to be about the same size.  Up until now, Baby B was twice as big and that was also cause for concern.  So again we get good news and bad news at each appointment.  At this point though, we are so excited and feel so blessed that the babies keep growing and have strong hearts, that the most important thing and about the only thing we can test at this point.

Baby B

As for me, I'm still on bed rest and still having bleeding issues even though it has diminished a lot.  I still have some serious cramping that again the doctor says he is concerned about, so bed rest continues.  Right now I'm on day 58 of bed rest.  Its getting old but trying to keep everything in perspective and not complain too much.  

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

7 Week Update

This week was our 7 week check.  We were extremely nervous going into this appointment. With all the complications I've had, we just weren't confident in the outcome of today.  The point of the appointment was this was going to be the first appointment where we would be able to measure our progress and make sure that everything is developing as it should be and on schedule and healthy.

In the waiting room, trying to pass the time
and not think about how nervous we were.

We brought our good luck egg with us and I wore a new bracelet my Mom bought me for good luck.  I also had on my fertility charm necklace.  With crazy anxiety we headed off to our appointment.  Luckily we never wait too long at our clinic, but still the time passed so slowly.




I am very happy to report that we received wonderful news, every number came in perfect!  And drumroll please......, there are lots of numbers to report because we have two babies, we are having twins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meet our babies

Baby A measured 7 weeks exactly, right on schedule.  The heart rate was 153 bpm.  Baby B measured 7 weeks and 1 day and had a heart rate of 146 bpm.  These numbers are great.  At this stage we were looking for anything over 120 bpm to show a strong heart so we were just elated with our numbers.  The ultrasound machine can actually play the heart rate so we heard it for the first time.  It was all I could do to hold back the tears but I just didn't want to miss a thing he was saying.  It was such a blessing to finally hear our little miracles and see that they were both doing well.

Now for the other news, I'm still bleeding a lot but the good news is that he thinks he found the source of it.  I have a hairline tear in my cervix.  He believes that it is the result of the large amount of progesterone that I am on and exasperated by the blood thinners.  I still have the blood clot in my uterus too, but he really thinks the bleed is from the cervix.  So I still have to remain on bed rest.  He said that he will let me off of bed rest when I don't bleed for 5 days in a row but he cautioned that this probably won't happen until I'm off the progesterone and that isn't happening for another month.  So he told me to get comfy on the couch.

Our other reason to remain cautious is the irregular shape of Baby B's (on the right) gestational sac.  The gestational sac should be circular, just like Baby A (on the left).  This irregular shape is cause for concern.  I asked him when we will be able to be a little more confident in Baby B and his response was that if the babies make it to week 9, we can feel much better that they will make it to the end.

So while it is too early to really celebrate, we are over the moon that we passed the first big hurdle and at this point, both babies are doing great.  I will continue to see the doctor every week and get new measurements to track their growth.  According to my pregnancy app, that babies aren't really human looking yet and still have tails.  It showed a picture of a 7 week old and it looks more lizard like to me.  They are about 1/2" big and the size of blueberries.  Here's hoping and praying that our little blueberries keep growing and keep fighting!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Welcome To My New Blog

Welcome to my new blog and a new chapter in our journey.  As I write this post, I am officially 6 weeks pregnant (it's crazy to even type that!), which is way too soon to be official and there are many hurdles and many things that can go wrong, but in the interest of full disclosure, something we felt we wanted to share.  There is a reason that people traditionally don't tell anyone until 12 weeks because so much can go wrong between now and then, but this journey has been far from traditional.  And if God forbid, something does go wrong, we are going to need all the support we can get.

As the name of my blog suggests, I will always be a part of the infertility community, just getting a positive test results doesn't mean that we have overcome the emotional toll that infertility places on us.  We are still dealing with infertility even though I am pregnant, which sounds like such a conflicting statements.  Because this pregnancy was created through ART, we have different challenges, both mental and physical, than a spontaneous and traditional pregnancy.  I will explore those issues as we progress.

Parker is glued to my side.  I wonder if she knows...

Right now I am on bed rest, I've had complications and my doctor is concerned, so living on the couch it is.  I've had a lot of bleeding, coupled with severe cramping.  On my last ultrasound he found a blood clot in my uterus.  So couch life it is.

Huge shout out to my family!  They have been awesome and take turns coming over.  I am so thankful to be home in San Diego and to have their help.  I'm rotating through my Mom, Dad, Brother and Grandmother. And of course Ryan is here too and Parker.  Every time I take a few steps, the pain gets much worse so having them around has been great.

Our last ultrasounds was too early to take measurements of anything so all we have really been able to see is the gestational sac and the yolk sac.  We go back in a week and at 7 weeks things should be big enough to get accurate measurements and be able to tell how viable this pregnancy really is.  I asked my doctor when I can get excited and feel like this is actually something real and his answer was at 9 weeks, so we have 3 very long weeks to go.

At this point, we both go back and forth from happy to scared to death.  I am trying to stay positive but have been sucked into dark thoughts and have had several bad days. Every time I go to the doctor, we get some good news and some bad news.  Plus being so involved in the infertility community, I have heard so many awful stories.  For the last 5 years, every time I have felt a glimmer of hope, it has been a hard awful crash back down. Mentally just trying to protect myself and not get too excited just yet.  I will say though that making it to this point has been a giant relief on one very significant level.  Up until now, I had no idea if my body would ever make it to implantation.  Now at least we know that I can which is amazing in and of itself.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER