37 Weeks

Yesterday we had another scare, everything is OK now, but I am really getting tired of all these bumps in the road.  

Our little guy has had a pretty regular routine for the last several months.  He wakes up between 3am and 4am.  It may sound like it's early and not fun, but I actually love it.  Its like its our special time together. Anyways, this particular morning, he wasn't active at all. I got up and ate something and still nothing. By the time we got to our morning appointment I was in panic mode. Things just got worse when our doctor couldn't wake him up either. He still had a strong heartbeat, he just wouldn't wake up. Anyways after about 10 minutes our doctor did get him up and moving but it was a long 10 minutes. During that 10 minutes he was talking about sending us to the hospital and having our baby that day. In the end, because they were able to get him moving, then sent us for monitoring instead. All the test came back ok and we were sent on our way.

photos from our last scan

Today it wasn't as dramatic,  but we still had a tough time of waking him up.  So I'm on edge and nervous every moment I don't feel him. We are 8 days away from our induction date which is inducing at 39 weeks.  Because of these set backs and for our peace of mind, we are now scheduled to go to triage every morning to be monitored from now until when the baby comes.

Like I told my therapist today, I am so ready for the baby to come and start worrying about parenting issues rather than having all these pregnancy worries, I am just so over all of it. We have definitely had our fair share so enough already!  So fingers and toes are crossed that this little guy stays active or my water breaks and we can welcome him into the world sooner.

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

Week 22 - Cardiology Appt

what a strong heart we have!

  Today was our much anticipated cardiology appointment. I am extremely happy to report that Baby A has a perfectly formed heart with no defects. This was a huge relief and the best news we could have received.  Our little fighter keeps on fighting and proving what a strong heart they have.
  Our echo was upstairs and it's always hard for me to go up there.  It's where we found out about Baby B and where we went back two days later and reduced the pregnancy.  We have discussed this with our therapist and she has likened it to PTSD.  Anyways about 10 minutes into the procedure I got light headed and briefly felt like I was going to faint.  Luckily she let me turn on my side, raised the bed and Ryan took my shoes off.  I calmed down and was able to continue and complete the procedure.
  After it was over, we went and met with our doctor to go over the results and game plan the next few months.  Prior to our results, we were placed in a category all its own, I don't think there is a name for above high risk, but now with our good news, we are back to a regular category of just regular high risk.  This means that the rest of our appointments are the same as any other high risk pregnancy, we don't have to do any more crazy testing.  At this point, if we were in a normal risk pregnancy, we would have monthly appointments, but I am not at all ready for that, especially since due to my placenta placement, I'm cant feel the baby's kick yet.  Luckily our doctor is amazing and understanding and is letting me continue with weekly ultrasounds and heartbeat checks.  I said once I can feel the baby maybe I'll feel more comfortable going every two weeks, but we will see.  He also wants us to have monthly anatomy scans upstairs so we will continue with that as well.  Then starting at 32 weeks we go twice a week to the hospital for monitoring.
  The hardest part is still the emotional side of all of this now and what we focus on in therapy.  I am having a really difficult time still accepting and welcoming this pregnancy.  Our therapist says I put up walls as protection for myself.  Losing a child was just beyond painful, it's like I'm trying to not get too attached in case anything goes wrong.  Our doctor started talking about child birth and the future and I got very uncomfortable.  I told him my issues and how I was feeling.  Again he is so kind and said he understood,  Then he started talking statistics and viability.  He said if I went into labor today that we would have a low chance of survival, but if I went into labor in two weeks we would have 30% and in four weeks 70% and 5 weeks 90%.  He went over everything and said at this point we really need to anticipate bringing a baby home.  When he started talking about birthing classes again I got uncomfortable.  he gave me the name of a nurse that does private lessons in your home.  The idea of that sounds much better.  It's hard for me to be around 'regular' pregnant people, every time they introduce themselves, its super difficult.  Its still hard for me to hear about unplanned pregnancies or people bitching about morning sickness and classifying their pregnancy as horrible because of that.  We shall see how we both feel about things as we start to settle in with this new information.  One day at a time is all we can do.  But for now, we can celebrate this huge milestone and be happy, even if the anxiety quickly crept back in, it was still an amazing day with great news!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Week 20 - Anatomy Scan

   On Friday we had our 20 week anatomy scan.  We were both really nervous for it but I am happy to report that everything is OK and our Baby A is still our little fighter.  

   We were there for over an hour.  The ultrasound tech measures everything and then takes pictures of everything.  I told her we were still bad at reading ultrasounds so luckily she labeled everything for us.  It's amazing how tiny the baby is, yet how much detail they are able to see and show us.  We have 10 fingers and 10 toes and a cute little baby nose.  We have a really strong heart and the baby still moves a bunch.  We also saw two kidneys, a great looking spin, shin bones (which are measuring long so she thinks the baby will be tall which is awesome), arm bones and pretty much everything else.  She also was able to look at the brain and said everything looked good there too.  It was all very reassuring and great news to hear.  We have more pictures than we have ever recieved before.  As you can see on the right, we have a cute little baby face profile pic.  Most of the pictures up until now are more alien-like than human.  Some have looked like the Terminator even.  Its awesome to have moved past that and be able to see a little baby now in the photos.

   

   The only difficult part was that after all the good news, I actually started looking at the monitor which I never do.  She was pointing out all kinds of stuff and I momentarily got caught up in the excitement.  Then when she was done with Baby A, she moved over to Baby B.  As soon as she did, I was speechless.  That was the first time I saw our baby since we were here last time and received the horrible news.  Its amazing how much you can miss someone that you never met, but I really do, it's  really hard.  In the beginning it was tough for me knowing that our Baby was still inside me but now I appreciate the fact that I still have some time with it before I say goodbye.  I started taking prenatal yoga and each time they say put your hand over your baby and I always put both hands on my belly and talk to both babies.  I guess in a sense, I'm lucky that I can do that.

   The next big hurdle is our cardiology appointment next week to further check on Baby A. So more fingers crossed please for that one.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

Support & Thank You

Ryan and I are so grateful for all the support we have been given over the last few months.  When this first happened we felt so alone and isolated in our struggles, but mainly by choice, it was just too hard to face the world with all of our sadness.

I just wanted to express our gratitude for all of you out there that have done so much for us in your own ways.  At one point we had so many flowers and bouquets there was no more surface space to put them on.  We have recieved cards and food and texts but mainly we have recieved all the love and support that you have sent our way.   It really means alot to us and we can't thank you enough.


Much Love,
Heather & Ryan

Week 16 - Anatomy Scan

At week 16 we went for an early anatomy scan to check on Baby A's heart.  Since the loss of Baby B, our doctor has been overly cautious about everything which we are huge fans of..  At week 16 we couldn't see a lot but we could definitely see the heart, or at least Ryan could, I still can't bring myself to look at the screen for fear of seeing Baby B.  The ultrasound tech could see the perfectly formed heart with all 4 chambers working as they should. Our doctor warned us that we probably wouldn't be able to see much more than the heart so it was to be expected. Ryan said he could see the chambers of the heart too which must have been pretty neat.

We are still going for our regular weekly ultrasound checks as well. Then we go back at week 20 for a full anatomy scan to check on all the organs.  So we pass one hurdle and still have a lot more in front of us.  We are also still going to weekly therapy appointments to work on our grief and loss and that is helping a lot.  The online support groups haven't worked out too well because we haven't found anyone in a situation like ours where they lost one baby and had to continue to be present in their current pregnancy and that dynamic is very different.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Therapy & Support

Ryan and I decided to seek professional help to assist us in moving forward from this tragedy.  My biggest concern is how do I continue with the pregnancy in a positive way?  Since having to make this awful decision and living through that awful procedure, I haven't been able to continue the way I was before and that scares me for the baby I still have left.  So with that, we found a therapist that has expertise in pregnancy loss.

She was extremely helpful and very understanding of our situation.  A few of the bigger takeaways that she said was :

• Not every pregnant woman is glowing and happy all the time.  There are lots of emotions that go along even with a normal pregnancy and just because I am sad all the time, doesn't mean that I am causing harm to this baby.
• As human beings, we have the ability to feel multiple feelings at the same time.  The example she gave was when we get mad at a loved one.  While we love them, we can be mad at and angry at them at the same time.  So she said that with time, she feels that I can still feel angry and sad over the loss of baby B and still feel love and excitement towards baby A.

We will continue to see her on a weekly basis for now.  She also recommended a few support groups (Empty Cradle and A Heartbreaking Choice) for us that I have joined, but haven't attended yet.  Just the names alone are tough to digest.  I am still somewhat numb and in disbelief that this has become our reality.  Empty Cradle is a local support group here in San Diego for those dealing with pregnancy loss.  They have paired me up with someone that also had twin loss, but we haven't connected yet.  A Heartbreaking Choice is a national online forum for those that have had to make the painful decision to terminate a pregnancy due to the health of the fetus or your own health.  I just submitted my registration information for that board.  

One of the harder things I'm coping with is up until now, everything I have gone through, I've know someone else through the infertility world that has also gone through something similar.  Our situation now is so awful and so rare that no one else I know has been through this.  It's not the same thing as a vanishing twin or a miscarriage.  The end of life didn't happen on its own.  Ryan and I had to make the decision to end a life.  Even though we knew it was the right thing to do, the emotional side of that is awful.  Making an appointment like that is awful.  Being awake for that is awful.  Having baby B still with us and will be for the rest of the pregnancy is just beyond difficult to emotionally wrap our heads around.  And after finally building a huge amount of support around us, we find ourselves isolated and alone again is really tough.  I am really hoping that with these two other support groups, we can again find ourselves in a place of understanding.

Thanks for reading and thanks for the support,

Heather & Ryan