Week 22 - Cardiology Appt

what a strong heart we have!

  Today was our much anticipated cardiology appointment. I am extremely happy to report that Baby A has a perfectly formed heart with no defects. This was a huge relief and the best news we could have received.  Our little fighter keeps on fighting and proving what a strong heart they have.
  Our echo was upstairs and it's always hard for me to go up there.  It's where we found out about Baby B and where we went back two days later and reduced the pregnancy.  We have discussed this with our therapist and she has likened it to PTSD.  Anyways about 10 minutes into the procedure I got light headed and briefly felt like I was going to faint.  Luckily she let me turn on my side, raised the bed and Ryan took my shoes off.  I calmed down and was able to continue and complete the procedure.
  After it was over, we went and met with our doctor to go over the results and game plan the next few months.  Prior to our results, we were placed in a category all its own, I don't think there is a name for above high risk, but now with our good news, we are back to a regular category of just regular high risk.  This means that the rest of our appointments are the same as any other high risk pregnancy, we don't have to do any more crazy testing.  At this point, if we were in a normal risk pregnancy, we would have monthly appointments, but I am not at all ready for that, especially since due to my placenta placement, I'm cant feel the baby's kick yet.  Luckily our doctor is amazing and understanding and is letting me continue with weekly ultrasounds and heartbeat checks.  I said once I can feel the baby maybe I'll feel more comfortable going every two weeks, but we will see.  He also wants us to have monthly anatomy scans upstairs so we will continue with that as well.  Then starting at 32 weeks we go twice a week to the hospital for monitoring.
  The hardest part is still the emotional side of all of this now and what we focus on in therapy.  I am having a really difficult time still accepting and welcoming this pregnancy.  Our therapist says I put up walls as protection for myself.  Losing a child was just beyond painful, it's like I'm trying to not get too attached in case anything goes wrong.  Our doctor started talking about child birth and the future and I got very uncomfortable.  I told him my issues and how I was feeling.  Again he is so kind and said he understood,  Then he started talking statistics and viability.  He said if I went into labor today that we would have a low chance of survival, but if I went into labor in two weeks we would have 30% and in four weeks 70% and 5 weeks 90%.  He went over everything and said at this point we really need to anticipate bringing a baby home.  When he started talking about birthing classes again I got uncomfortable.  he gave me the name of a nurse that does private lessons in your home.  The idea of that sounds much better.  It's hard for me to be around 'regular' pregnant people, every time they introduce themselves, its super difficult.  Its still hard for me to hear about unplanned pregnancies or people bitching about morning sickness and classifying their pregnancy as horrible because of that.  We shall see how we both feel about things as we start to settle in with this new information.  One day at a time is all we can do.  But for now, we can celebrate this huge milestone and be happy, even if the anxiety quickly crept back in, it was still an amazing day with great news!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Week 16 - Anatomy Scan

At week 16 we went for an early anatomy scan to check on Baby A's heart.  Since the loss of Baby B, our doctor has been overly cautious about everything which we are huge fans of..  At week 16 we couldn't see a lot but we could definitely see the heart, or at least Ryan could, I still can't bring myself to look at the screen for fear of seeing Baby B.  The ultrasound tech could see the perfectly formed heart with all 4 chambers working as they should. Our doctor warned us that we probably wouldn't be able to see much more than the heart so it was to be expected. Ryan said he could see the chambers of the heart too which must have been pretty neat.

We are still going for our regular weekly ultrasound checks as well. Then we go back at week 20 for a full anatomy scan to check on all the organs.  So we pass one hurdle and still have a lot more in front of us.  We are also still going to weekly therapy appointments to work on our grief and loss and that is helping a lot.  The online support groups haven't worked out too well because we haven't found anyone in a situation like ours where they lost one baby and had to continue to be present in their current pregnancy and that dynamic is very different.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Our Little Fighter

Today we went in for our follow up ultrasound to check on Baby A and happily I can report that Baby A is still with us.  We were faced with an 8% chance of losing Baby A so we are very relieved that our little fighter is still with us.

On the other hand, there really aren't too many words to explain the heartbreak we are dealing with for Baby B.  We were literally one day away from being let off bed rest, entering the second trimester and starting to celebrate the pregnancy.  Instead we were hit with the horrifying news that Baby B would be lost to us and would not survive much longer after birth.   Having to decided to end that pregnancy to give Baby A the best chance is the hardest thing we have ever had to do.  I will never forget that appointment or the feeling of having to say goodbye to our sweet baby.

We have reached out to a therapist to get some professional help.  We need help.  We need to figure out how to remain strong for Baby A while still grieving this loss.

Thank you for reading and thank you for your support.

The Loss of Baby B

Today we received the devastating news that our Baby B has a defect that will not sustain life. It has something called omphalocele. In its minor form it has part or all on the intestines on the outside which could be corrected by surgery. In the more severe form, which we have, the heart and liver and intestines are exposed. When the heart is exposed like that, there are no actions they can take. Now our next steps is figuring out what to do to give Baby A the best chance of survival. We were with the doctor from 8am to 11:30 discussing what all this means. The crap thing is they don't know how this happened, it's either a chromosomal abnormality,  a genetic defect which is unlikely because both Ryan and the donor have been heavily screened, or just a really crappy thing that randomly happened during development. We thought today we would be celebrating moving to the second trimester, instead just heartache.  I am so exhausted of getting bad news. The words and things that were discussed with the doctor were just awful. The idea of having twins was just starting to sink in and now we have to say goodbye far to early.