Today is the Day - 38 weeks & 6 days

   We finally made it to the end of this pregnancy and the beginning of the birth.  Today is the big day.  It has been a very long week.  Due to the diagnosis of decreased fetal movement, we have been to triage every day for additional testing and some much needed peace of mind.  

   The schedule for today is one last appointment with the doctor for a final check on the baby and to see how I'm progressing so she can decide what medications to give, what dosage and when to induce labor.  Then we check into the hospital at 7pm.  Their estimate is that the baby will be born sometime between the afternoon of the 29th and at the latest the morning of the 30th.  We are still hoping for a vaginal delivery which means it will take longer and move a bit slower.  At this point we don't really care.  Our birth plan is for a healthy baby, whatever else happens, happens.  So in between now and then I am having my last prenatal massage, then having dinner before we check into the hospital.  The rest of the day will be spent trying to remain calm and keeping busy.

   I am filled with all kinds of emotions today.  I am excited to have actually made it this far and the thought of finally holding my baby in my arms is overwhelming.  It has been such a long journey.  It's surreal that this moment has actually come to be.

   I am extremely nervous for the birth, there is just so much that could go wrong and when there is a chance of something going wrong with us, it usually does.  We recently found out that the umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck.  Our doctor told us that it happens to 1 out of 4 babies and usually they can slip it off during labor, yet its just another thing to cause us worry.  We are still dealing with the diagnosis of decreased fetal movement and they show concern over that too.  I am happy that the pregnancy is almost over and these pregnancy worries will go away soon.  I'm looking forward to being able to just look at the baby and see that he is ok instead of having to wait for an appointment and the doctor freaking us out before we know all is ok.  

   And finally sadness, it really hits home today the loss of Baby B.  Every time we went to our appointments this last week it comes up as part of the questions the nurses as me.  

  Looking forward to writing my next post and announcing the birth of our son!

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

Week 20 - Anatomy Scan

   On Friday we had our 20 week anatomy scan.  We were both really nervous for it but I am happy to report that everything is OK and our Baby A is still our little fighter.  

   We were there for over an hour.  The ultrasound tech measures everything and then takes pictures of everything.  I told her we were still bad at reading ultrasounds so luckily she labeled everything for us.  It's amazing how tiny the baby is, yet how much detail they are able to see and show us.  We have 10 fingers and 10 toes and a cute little baby nose.  We have a really strong heart and the baby still moves a bunch.  We also saw two kidneys, a great looking spin, shin bones (which are measuring long so she thinks the baby will be tall which is awesome), arm bones and pretty much everything else.  She also was able to look at the brain and said everything looked good there too.  It was all very reassuring and great news to hear.  We have more pictures than we have ever recieved before.  As you can see on the right, we have a cute little baby face profile pic.  Most of the pictures up until now are more alien-like than human.  Some have looked like the Terminator even.  Its awesome to have moved past that and be able to see a little baby now in the photos.

   

   The only difficult part was that after all the good news, I actually started looking at the monitor which I never do.  She was pointing out all kinds of stuff and I momentarily got caught up in the excitement.  Then when she was done with Baby A, she moved over to Baby B.  As soon as she did, I was speechless.  That was the first time I saw our baby since we were here last time and received the horrible news.  Its amazing how much you can miss someone that you never met, but I really do, it's  really hard.  In the beginning it was tough for me knowing that our Baby was still inside me but now I appreciate the fact that I still have some time with it before I say goodbye.  I started taking prenatal yoga and each time they say put your hand over your baby and I always put both hands on my belly and talk to both babies.  I guess in a sense, I'm lucky that I can do that.

   The next big hurdle is our cardiology appointment next week to further check on Baby A. So more fingers crossed please for that one.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

Our Little Fighter

Today we went in for our follow up ultrasound to check on Baby A and happily I can report that Baby A is still with us.  We were faced with an 8% chance of losing Baby A so we are very relieved that our little fighter is still with us.

On the other hand, there really aren't too many words to explain the heartbreak we are dealing with for Baby B.  We were literally one day away from being let off bed rest, entering the second trimester and starting to celebrate the pregnancy.  Instead we were hit with the horrifying news that Baby B would be lost to us and would not survive much longer after birth.   Having to decided to end that pregnancy to give Baby A the best chance is the hardest thing we have ever had to do.  I will never forget that appointment or the feeling of having to say goodbye to our sweet baby.

We have reached out to a therapist to get some professional help.  We need help.  We need to figure out how to remain strong for Baby A while still grieving this loss.

Thank you for reading and thank you for your support.

The Loss of Baby B

Today we received the devastating news that our Baby B has a defect that will not sustain life. It has something called omphalocele. In its minor form it has part or all on the intestines on the outside which could be corrected by surgery. In the more severe form, which we have, the heart and liver and intestines are exposed. When the heart is exposed like that, there are no actions they can take. Now our next steps is figuring out what to do to give Baby A the best chance of survival. We were with the doctor from 8am to 11:30 discussing what all this means. The crap thing is they don't know how this happened, it's either a chromosomal abnormality,  a genetic defect which is unlikely because both Ryan and the donor have been heavily screened, or just a really crappy thing that randomly happened during development. We thought today we would be celebrating moving to the second trimester, instead just heartache.  I am so exhausted of getting bad news. The words and things that were discussed with the doctor were just awful. The idea of having twins was just starting to sink in and now we have to say goodbye far to early.

Meeting Our OB

Yesterday was very exciting, we met our OB for the first time.  He will be our doctor for the next 6 months and if all goes as planned, will deliver our babies.  He is part of a practice so it's kind of whoever is on duty at the time.  It was an exciting appoint because for the first time, we had an appointment where we talked about the babies actually coming into the world.  It was it all so real in an amazingly wonderful way.

Our doctor is an MFM which stands for maternal fetal medicine.  It is basically a specialized OB for high risk pregnancies.  This pregnancy is considered a high risk pregnancy because I am of advanced maternal age (I hate this phrase), anyone over 35 falls into that category, because I have multiples, because I am on blood thinners and because of the complications early on in the pregnancy.

About 2 minutes into meeting him, I knew he was the doctor for me.  He had actually delivered my friends twins so I knew he was capable, I just also really liked his personality.  He knew of my IF journey and he reassured me that since we had worked so hard to get where we were that he would do everything to ensure these babies are safe and healthy and so am I.

He made a comment about how I probably know a lot already about being pregnant and I said I really didn't.  The last 5 1/2 years I have spent researching getting pregnant, I have no idea what I am doing from this point on.  He assured me that even though I don't know what I am doing, my does and it is doing everything it can so that the babies are getting what they need.

He did an ultrasound and this part was very exciting.  It was an ultrasound from on top of my stomach, no more vaginal ultrasounds!!!! This alone is a reason to celebrate.  He said everything looked good and the babies looked great.  He didn't see anything to be concerned about.  He also did a pap smear because it had been two years since I had one done.  Thankfully he skipped the breast exam because mine are so painful right now.

We talked at length about a vaginal birth compared to a C-section.  He would prefer a vaginal birth which I would too.  He gave me a 60% chance of having one which is what all people carrying twins gets.  In order to deliver vaginally, the baby further down needs to be face down and needs to be bigger than the top baby.  We will figure this out much later, but he did tell me that baby B is the baby that is further down so that's the one to watch.  The other exciting news it that he calculated my due date.  For twins, they won't let you go past 38 weeks, so if my water doesn't break before that, they will induce on Dec 21st (my birthday) for a delivery on Dec 22nd.  I am so excited about that.  Our nephew was born on Dec 24th so lots of Christmas babies in this family.  I am also excited that I will deliver at Sharp hospital, which is the same hospital I was born at.

He then talked about what the next 6 months will be like.  He started by saying I come in every month for ultrasounds and an OB check.  I freaked out when he said this.  I am so used to weekly appointments that monthly sounded like an eternity.  He then said he would do an appointment very two weeks for me to help ease the anxiety and keep my calm.  This really did help and reassure my choice in doctors.

Here is the quick recap of my notes and the questions I had for him:

• My RE had a weaning protocol for baby aspirin but he wants me to stay on them the entire pregnancy
• for the next two weeks, I can walk and drive, then after that I can do yoga and swim.  After 68 days of bedrest, this was music to my ears.
• He wants me eating 2500 calories a day.  I am nowhere near that because food is super gross right now.  I'm working on it though..
• For nausea, he wants me to try taking B6
• I asked if there was anything I could do for breast tenderness and he said not really.  The good news though is that the height of the pain is around 11 weeks and that is less than a week away so it's almost over.
• I asked what books he recommended and he like What to Expect and the Mayo Clinic Guide

We finished the appointment by talking about all the testing to be done.  We walked next door to the lab and I gave about 10 vials of blood.  This was called first trimester screening.  We will get the results at our next appointment which is June 22nd.

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

10 Week Update - Graduation Day

Our graduation gift

Today was a very exciting day for us. Today was our graduation day.  That means that we have graduated from our RE and we are now patients of our perinatologist-OB.  This is another huge milestone and a giant accomplishment.  I still feel like I am dreaming.  It is so hard to grasp the fact that we are where we are.  We have dreamed and prayed for this for so long and have had so many failures along the way, I seriously doubted we would actually make it here.  It was so amazing to hear the words that we graduated.  Our doctor wished us the best of luck and shook our hands.  The rest of the staff have really come to follow our journey right alongside of us.  As soon as we get our ultrasound done, we exit the room and I excitedly show off our little ones.  Today we were greeted with a graduation gift and a very sweet card that everyone signed.  I hugged everyone.  I will miss our clinic so much.  They really have been right by my side every step of the way.

Baby B

Baby A

Today the babies are about 1 1/2" big and about the size of a kumquat.  Both babies measured right on schedule.  Baby A measured 9 weeks and 6 days and had a heart rate of 176.  Baby B measured 10 weeks and 1 day and also had a heart rate of 176.  Baby A was moving a bit, but Baby B was seriously rocking out.  That baby was moving its arms like crazy and was spinning around too.  It is so amazing to actually see them moving and finally see them as little beings.  They are much more human-like and less on the blob side.  They have arms and legs now and little noses.  Not sure when we'll find out the gender yet so they are still just Baby A and Baby B.  Look how cute they are!  

Today's lunch

As for me, I am hanging in there.  Still on limited activity.  I am in full swing of being pregnant and the side effects are really starting to kick in.  Everything smells to me, all food is pretty gross and everything makes me gag.  At the end of the day, I am so excited that the babies are doing well that I am trying my best not to complain about my symptoms.  

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER